My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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