Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
if only i could text you this smell
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
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