you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
