I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
