You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
