Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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