God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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