i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
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