if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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