you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
