Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
