oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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