when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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