There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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