You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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