My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
