i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
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