I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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