I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I need to calm my uterus...
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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