i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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