I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
