I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
