No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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