My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Randomize
