wakey wakey hands off snakey
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
