If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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