Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
