Swine flu. Run for my life!
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
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