yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
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