I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
