So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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