make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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