john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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