my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
