She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
