Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
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halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
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just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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