It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
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