I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Randomize
