Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
