god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
