Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
