Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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