then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
