life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
