sorry about calling you the devil all night.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
