I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
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