The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
