he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Randomize
