In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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