Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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