tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
