I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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